Learning, growing, changing...

How Roan is doing:

First time on his play mat :) I don't think he liked it, but that's ok. I don't think we'll be using it again till he's a couple weeks older.

Roan is doing well! He weighed in at 8lbs 13oz - so he gained back his birth weight plus some! I think he has still a little bit of jaundice. The whites of his eyes are a tad yellow and the doctor prescribed vitamin D drops. Other than that, he's picture perfect! He's been sleeping just fine in the Arms Reach Co-Sleeper, too. I was worried about that. Still, he falls asleep easiest on Sean or I's chest. Not that we mind :) It's the best feeling in the world! Though it usually makes me sleepy, too, and next thing I know I've dozed off. I'm really trying not to do that!! (see photo below)

Oh, his cord fell off today! Yeah it was really gross, but I'm glad it's gone, haha.

How mom is doing:

Ok, 1) Really bad photo of me :-/  2) I know it's not safe; I didn't mean to fall asleep...and I really try not to do it.

Becoming a mom is proving to be the most challenging thing ever. Largely because my hormones are on the fritz. I realized that even though Roan is my son, we have to get to know each other. I thought everything would be 100% natural, no problem. But I've found that's not necessarily the case...parenting and caring for such a teeny person that only knows to communicate via crying is hard. On top of recovering from surgery. AND missing my husband so stinkin' much cause he works such long days.

Emotionally, I have my good moments and my not-so-good moments. I could go on and on about everything I feel, but I won't. I've gotta kinda keep an eye on myself for postpartum depression, though.

Physically, I feel pretty close to normal. My feet and legs are still swollen, but nothing like before! I have no pain or discomfort around the incision, for now at least. Stairs are no longer an issue (yay!) which means I can carry Roan up and down them. I just can't WAIT to be able to drive! Even though this heat is insane, I'll probably spread out errands...Meijer one day...Sam's the next, etc.

How dad is doing:

I can't really speak for him & what he's feeling. But I can brag about him! 

Sean went back to work on Monday...just 3 short days home with his son, then back at it. Turnover started today which means he'll be working crazy long days. I so desperately wish we had time to be a family...to sit and stare at our son in awe. I know we will  be able to have those moments eventually...just not during turnover. 

Before Roan came along, Sean was admittedly a little scared and nervous around babies. He'd never changed a diaper in his life. But his fathering instincts kicked in immediately. It was just amazing watching him grow and automatically take on the role of "dad". And I have to say that made me fall in love with him deeper than I ever could have imagined!

As far as being a husband, that's another area where he has just been amazing. He's been so supportive. Whenever I've been an emotional basket case, he builds me up and assures me it's ok to be emotional. He helps me to come up with a game plan, which helps me to stay focused and not get lost in my emotions. I know this is the "babymoon" and it won't last forever, but I'm gonna soak it up while I can. And hopefully the things we're learning now about how to be a team will stick with us for the rest of our marriage.

So, that's how things are going right now with the Whites!

They Do Say Having A Baby Changes You...

Becoming a mom, I fear, has made me completely sappy. I had that a little during pregnancy, but now...oh man.

Exhibit A of My Increased Sappy-ness:

I discovered this song in the beginning of my 3rd trimester, I think. It's "Remember This" by Beth Champion Mason. I'm not gonna lie...it's a cheesy song. What can I say, though?! It describes my emotions 100%. Especially the "Lord keep him safe" part...wow does that ever take on new meaning considering Roan's birth story.

They placed you in my arms tonight
I can hardly believe that you are mine
Tiny fingers, tiny toes
A tiny life that's gonna grow
I've waited so many years for this day...I wanna make it stay 

(chorus)
I wanna remember this, I wanna remember this
Every smile, every kiss
Every moment's like a promise and I wanna remember this 

We brought our bundle home tonight
Half scared to death, but on cloud nine
As I rocked you in the dark
I could feel your tiny heart
I said a prayer as I kissed your sweet face
"Lord, keep him safe" 

Chorus 

Every season, every age will be beautiful in it's own way
From preschool through to prom, even your wedding day
And we'll celebrate and walk with you
Each step that your life brings
But there's something that's so sweet about beginnings 

Chorus
I wanna remember this, I wanna remember this
Every tear, every touch
I just can't believe I love you this much
I wanna remember, I wanna remember, I wanna remember this 

They placed you in my arms tonight

I have a son!!

Wow, what a long weekend it's been! I'm still pretty exhausted. I'll give the short & sweet version, then a more detailed account of how Roan Keane came into the world.

Short & Sweet

We got to the hospital Friday night at 8pm to be induced. I struggled a lot with that decision (to be induced). Basically, the meds got me to contract, but not thin or dilate really. So they gave me pitocin. That got me to get a bit more dilated, but still not thinning. Then Roan started to show signs of distress with the pit...by that point I'd been laboring for a LONG time. I couldn't progress without the pit, but Roan was far too much at risk with it. Our choices were to keep trying a bit longer for a vaginal delivery, but risk him crashing & me needing an emergency c-section (which would have been extremely dangerous for me*)...or go ahead with a scheduled c-section where the risks were significantly lower. After many tears, I decided to get the c-section. By that point it was Sunday afternoon. He was born at 3:24pm that day. As it turns out, I had a lot of fibroids; one very large one in particular was blocking his way out. Plus, his head was trying to come out sideways to get around the fibroid. Oh, and his head is 14 1/2 inches around - pretty big!

*I'll explain why the emergency c-sec would have been so bad for me...more so than your average patient...below.

More Details:
*Edited 7/9/13...he is almost two now! Reading this I see I left some details out that I would like to add for myself personally. So here goes.

They put me in a labor & delivery room at first, but after a while they said they needed it for patients in "active labor" & I was not. So I was moved to an OB Special Care room. They started me on cervadi to soften my cervix at midnight Friday night. This meant waiting for like 6 hours...laying on my side! When the cervadil showed minimal effect, I opted to not do that again. So they gave me cytotec. My contractions moved closer together & were very painful. I decided to get the epidural, so they moved me to labor & delivery. I was hoping for a natural delivery, but ya know...I made my choice for my own reasons. I talked to my OB about it, who is supportive of natural birth, and she assured me it would not have a negative effect on my baby. In fact, my OB was recommended to me by a friend who had natural births. She said to me "If epidurals hurt babies in any way, I wouldn't have had one myself." Moving on.

Things seemed to be going well enough to where I wouldn't need pitocin - I was SO happy about that! However, my progression stalled. They had to put me on pitocin & that was hard for me emotionally. They put me on the lowest dose as my OB knew I didn't like the idea of using pit. After a while (a few hours I'm sure, I don't remember), they increased the dose. They had been monitoring my contractions since the whole thing started, of course, but wondered about the actual strength of the contractions. An internal contraction monitor showed my contractions were "pretty weak" which was why I was stalled at 4-5 cm and 50% thinned. I believe Roan stayed at a -2 stage the whole time as well...when they reach 1, they have entered the birth canal. I think. Anyway. When they increased the pit, his heartbeat dropped a bit during contractions (not terribly, but enough). They cut the pit in half & his heartbeat stabilized. They increased it sloooowly again and the same thing happened with his heartbeat. This was a sign that something wasn't right.

That's when things got really emotional. My parents, Devon, Sean and I all prayed...and cried. Just the emotion of feeling like my baby was in danger...that any time the pitocin was increased to a certain level, his heart rate would dip was terrifying. Then they came in the room & said that my choices were to keep trying for a vaginal delivery or get a c-section. The risk with the vaginal delivery was Roan could crash and I could end up needing an emergency c-section (more dangerous, but especially for me...I'll get into that later). I didn't want a c-section at all. But I knew that was what needed to be done. I did not want to put my son at risk. I asked my OB the "what would you do?" question that I know she hates getting and she very cautiously told me she would go with surgery. We prayed, I cried, and we decided. The whole timing of how after the last time we prayed, literally minutes after "amen", the doctor came in and gave me the two choices...God was trying to speak to us.

It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was yet another example of how inducing increases your risk for c-section. They said once they got in there & got him out, they might be able to tell why I wasn't progressing...or they might not. It was extremely hard for my husband, too.

So, Sean got scrubbed up & they wheeled me back to the OR. I didn't like that feeling...I was in this stark white room...people hustling around me prepping everything. They were super nice...every single person was amazing. I was calm. Me. The worry-wart. Calm. I accepted that this was going to happen and I felt God's peace. I don't care what anyone says or thinks, God was present. I have felt that feeling few times in my life, but enough to know with confidence. Someone told me "So, dad is kind of having a hard time, he's a little nervous, so we're going to go ahead and bring him in now." I learned later that Sean was crying pretty heavily (sorry for out-ing you, hun), shaking, etc. Nurses and other hospital staff kept asking if he was ok, if he needed anything. He stayed with me while they finished final preparations and the surgery began.

I was still calm. Sean cried throughout the whole surgery. I mean, putting myself in his shoes...your wife on an operating table, totally unsure of the outcome, anxious to see your baby...I don't blame him and I don't think anyone does. Not to mention he hadn't slept (I had thanks to the epidural). 

I knew we were making the right choice. I knew that if it weren't for modern medicine...if it had been a few centuries prior, we likely wouldn't have made it (I know c-sections were possible from a very early age, I've researched all that, but they still weren't common due to the risks and poor sanitation). 

I hear my OB say: "Oh yeah, there was no way he was gonna come out the old fashioned way." The next thing in my memory (it's kind of a blur) was hearing him cry. Words cannot even begin to describe what that moment was like. Our son was HERE! They showed him to us before cleaning him up. Though I was laying on my back & tilted back, he was the most beautiful creation I'd ever seen! He had no issues...no breathing problems or anything. They put him on my chest for a bit, but it was difficult being tipped back. Sean held him while they stitched me up & I was able to hold him as we went to the c-sec recovery room.

God you are so good to me. I do not deserve this gift...this precious gift. Praise Jesus!

As it turns out, I had a lot of fibroids on my uterus, but a really big one was blocking his way out. To try to get around it, his head was trying to come out sideways, but the fibroid was too large. Plus, his head is 14.5 inches around!

He was 8lbs 10oz and 20.75 inches long :) Had I tried for a vaginal delivery any longer, I know I would have ended up needing an emergency c-section regardless. I won't even think of what could have happened if that were the case.

Clarification as to why surgery is so dangerous for me: 

*The reason why the emergency c-sec was such a scary thing for me has to do with the surgery I had at 18 mos. It was for my eyes. During surgery, I apparently had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. They were taking me back to recovery & I went into hyperthermia (my temp shot up). They called a code (blue?) on me & people were frantic. I survived, obviously, but the anesthesiologist was shaken up as he was trying to inform my parents. My pediatrician urged my parents to get a copy of the record of the surgery. The hospital "lost" the record. And the anesthesiologist? He retired right after my surgery.

We told the anesthesiologists at Sparrow about that before they gave me the epidural. They said it sounds like malignant hyperthermia...although MH usually happens shortly after getting the medicine. They said it was odd that it happened on my way to recovery. We were told so many times to really look in to getting me tested for it, as it is/could be hereditary. They at least want me to wear a band if I can't get tested (though having a son now, I think it's important to know). However, this tests costs thousands of dollars, I'm uninsured, and I would have to travel as only a few places run the test for this; it requires a live tissue sample from my thigh.

So, that's why the anesthesiologists (and my OB) did not like the idea of an emergency c-sec for me. With a scheduled c-sec, all they'd have to do is increase my epidural to numb me more & higher up. Much safer. This is why I will be having a repeat c-section with the next child.

My recovery will be interesting, to say the least. I can't drive for 1 week minimum. Can't drive with Roan in the car for 2 weeks (turning and looking over my shoulder in the car would be bad for the incision according to my OB, as well as the risk of a car accident and the lap belt across the incision). I think I have to limit the use of stairs. I'd like to not use stairs at all...but our bathroom is on the second floor!

Roan is beautiful. He is perfect in every way! We are so in love...it is just amazing! And my husband...my husband is the best. He was an awesome support through the entire process. And boy is he ever a good dad! This whole thing not only brought us closer together, but brought us & God closer together. I would not have made it were it not for Him! His hand & will have been so perfectly obvious through it all. How great is He!

40w4d Appointment Update

Well, first thing they did was the NST (non-stress test). For those that don't know what that is, they hook up 2 monitors on the belly...one for heart rate, one for contractions. I had to sit for 20 minutes. His heart rate was consistently good...no contractions on the monitor.

Then I had a BPP - basically it was an ultrasound to measure everything & make sure all is well. I wasn't told his exact measurements or expected weight (I know ultrasounds can be really "off" for predicting weight). But I watched him do his "practice breathing"...which I have FELT outside the belly! Seriously! It wasn't his heartbeat - too slow to be that. It was too slow to be my heartbeat, too. It wasn't me breathing cause I held my breath, haha. It was very rhythmic. I'm guessing the times I've felt it, his back was facing out & was probably pushed out. The tech said it was a very good sign that he was doing that - "strong lungs", she said.

Anyway. The ultrasound looked good, too. He is perfectly content (though very squished) in there. In fact, he fell asleep! She had to use this buzzer thing to wake him up, haha. I saw his feet move and his little fingers wiggle like newborns do so often :) I kept thinking "I'm gonna see those hands and feet soon..."

So then I had to wait to be seen by my OB. She checked me...only 1 cm dilated. She said "I'm gonna try to get things going here; it's gonna be uncomfortable & you're probably gonna be mad at me..." and she swept my membranes (which was very painful). You can Google more if you're interested, but as I understand it, she separated the sac from the wall of the uterus. Sometimes that triggers hormones & causes labor to start. Sometimes it doesn't work & the membranes fuse back together. So, it's not a guarantee.

She basically said that, as far as my cervix goes, if you think of it like putting on a turtle neck...it has to shorten & spread out (dilate)....she said my cervix still had a little more shortening to do. I also heard her say he's at a -2 (station). It would probably be easier for you to Google that rather than me explain, but here's a picture that somewhat explains it:



We've got our fingers crossed that the membrane sweep will do something. I'll try to remember to put something on Facebook when the time comes...I know many of you want to know. I promise if I can remember and find the time between contractions, I will :)

So pray, pray, pray! I'm developing a really itchy rash on my belly. It's not PUPP. My OB said it could just be from my skin being stretched so much...could just be from the hormones. In any case, it's not fun & I'm quite miserable!

*sigh* I feel much better than I did yesterday. I see a light at the end of the tunnel...praise God!

40 weeks...D-Day

Well, I must say that due date days are anti-climactic. At least mine has been.

I wasn't/am not expecting him to come today. Something like 5% of babies come on their due date. My OB says that first babies usually come within a few days of it - either a few days before or a few days after. I'd always heard they're usually pretty late. I think it's just different for everyone & people try too hard to put statistics to things. The numbers give me no comfort; doesn't make this any easier or harder because I know our situation could be unique. He could come in a day or two...he could come in 5, 6, or 7 days. He could just not want to come out on his own for whatever reason & I may end up needing to be induced.

People always say "You won't be pregnant forever," and I do know that. I also watched a documentary about a lady (in some third-world country, I forget where) who was pregnant for something like 20-30 years? Something crazy. Basically, the baby never came & I believe due to lack of access to medical care, the baby died & just stayed in her body. They finally removed it decades later. That just goes to show you that sometimes babies do not/will not/cannot come out on their own & medical interventions are needed.

So...what to say? I still feel him moving around a lot, so that's good. He has slowed down overall, though...I hear that happens before labor, but it's been that way for about a week now.

As of my appointment this past Tuesday, he's dropped again. Which is also good. Still feeling nauseated, tail bone still hurts, sleeping is still difficult. The newest symptom: hot flashes. I don't know if that's because of being 40 weeks pregnant, but I don't know what else it could be. I have other things that I think are signs that it won't be too much longer. But being 40 weeks, it literally can't be too much longer.

Actually giving birth still feels so distant. I know I could go in to labor at any moment, but most of the time I still think like I'm 4 or 5 months pregnant. It just seems so far away. I'm still worried about losing him. Not even during labor....but before. I still have moments where I suddenly realize he's not moving & I try to remember the last time I felt him moving. Not that I want him moving 24/7 or anything...I'm just so ready to not worry about feeling movement.

So, I have an appointment on Wednesday where they'll do a NST (hook me up to monitors & watch his movements, heartbeat, etc) and a BPP (biophysical profile = ultrasound where they check his measurements and how much amniotic fluid is left). I'm guessing if those tests don't go well, my OB will want to get him out as soon as possible. And if he's showing signs of distress and/or there's not enough fluid, then obviously I'll want him out ASAP, too.

I way underestimated how hard the very end of pregnancy was gonna be. I was told all along that waiting those last few days is the hardest part...but there's no way to really understand how true that is until/unless you're there or have been there before.

This pretty much sums up how Sean and I feel right now:

Excuse my wet hair...

WAAAAIT! Happy news! I found the pack & play I wanted for $70 online! It's normally more than that...depending on where you order it from $110-$120 before shipping. But thanks to Zulily, after taxes & shipping, I got it for $70ish. So that was a nice pick-me-up! I was gonna wait to get it a few months after he's born, but with that price...I had to!