Always Changing

Things are constantly changing in our lives now! If we're not going through a growth spurt, then we're trying to adjust to a new method of feeding...or trying different tricks to get him to sleep longer at night.

How Roan is Doing...

Staring at his crib toy - he loves it!

Roan is doing well! He loves crib toy, as you can see in the picture. You can also kinda see part of his bald spot...one bald spot on the left side of his head (where his cowlick is/was). Such a weird spot!

He's definitely getting more expressive. I love it!

He still fits in to most of his newborn-size clothes. I was concerned with whether or not he was gaining like he should. I couldn't tell exactly how much he was getting at feeding time, but I never really felt like he was satisfied. My pain started to come back with feeding, so I decided to pump and bottle feed exclusively. I refuse to ruin my time with him & I don't want to look back on this time and think "Gosh, I was stressed about breastfeeding that whole time!" So now I know he's getting enough...and now that I'm pumping, I don't think he was getting as much as he needed before because I'm not pumping as much as he needs to be satisfied. They say babies are more efficient, but I think our problem was he's not efficient. And I think that's because of all the issues we had in the beginning. Ever since we started bottle feeding him, I honestly think he feels like he's gaining weight again!

How Mom is Doing...

I'm feeling very refreshed, thanks to my wonderful husband! He did a lot of Baby Duty the other day so I could rest and get some stuff done. We went on a walk at Hawk Island yesterday. That was really nice and the family time was definitely needed for my sanity.

I'm also feeling refreshed because of the decision to pump & bottle feed. It's a lot of work to do it, but I already feel so much less stressed out. Roan slept really well last night and I told Sean it was because he spent so much time with Daddy. He responded "He probably slept so well because Mommy's not so stressed out." True...true. 

I've been approved for my leave extension. They're going to send me some paperwork - probably a form I have to fill out, sign, etc. We have some PD (professional development) coming up and I asked HR if I could go.... I really want to because it's usually a lot of team-building and I definitely think it's important that I be there even though I'm taking the first 1/2 of the year off. They said normally they wouldn't allow it, but "in this case, we will." I'm actually really excited to see all my coworkers and hear the vision and goals for this year! Melissa (the principal) is great & always gets me pumped up, so I'm sure I'm gonna be anxious to get back to work in January.

How Dad is Doing...

Turnover is done!! It's hard to tell who's most excited about this! He actually has a day off coming up. A..whole...DAY! I have to go into work for a little bit (I want to) and I have an appointment, but that's ok. We'll have the rest of the day together. 

Even though turnover was officially done on the 24th, it didn't feel like it because they were painting at a daycare. So, they had to go in after they were closed to paint. It was a big job in that one room had something like 25 colors alone! They had these little buildings for the kids to play in/on and they wanted those touched up. Sean said it was just a lot of meticulous, slow work. Usually they can paint pretty fast and get it done quickly. This job was more detailed, though. 

So turnover is done...but football season is about to start. Dad is excited about this...Mom is not. Haha. 

6ish Weeks

How Roan is Doing...

That picture basically says it all. He smiles so much now! Well, compared to before when he'd only smile in his sleep sometimes. He'll be laying on the couch or changing table, just looking around, and I'll start talking to him and he'll smile...so I know it's not cause he just farted or pooped. It's fun, it's great, it makes me feel like I'm on top of the world!

I don't know Roan's measurements right now. His next appointment is September 20th (2 month checkup). He's been eating every 2 hours...sometimes less than that. Yeah, I feel like a dairy cow, but it's part of being a mom.

How Mom is Doing...

I'm tired. Always tired.

I had my friend Kali highlight my hair! I really just need to feel pretty since...well...I'm kinda grossed out by my body right now. I'm also getting a massage soon and a Roan-inspired tattoo on my left foot. I'll post a picture after I get it. 

My OB told me today that I could try for a VBAC with baby #2 (VBAC = vaginal birth after Cesarean)...though I don't know that I will. We'll have to think about the risks when the time comes...as of right now, I lean towards not doing a VBAC because of the malignant hyperthermia thing and the risks involved. She also said that I wouldn't necessarily be monitored closely with #2 for the fibroid thing. Fibroids are unpredictable. So I might not have the same issue next time. She confirmed that the fibroid was what was causing my contractions to be not-normal (I only felt them on the right side) and probably was why labor didn't progress since the uterus doesn't contract like it should when there's a fibroid like that.

How Dad is Doing...

He came home on his lunch break today :) Ignore the baby stuff in the background, haha. I can't wait to get most of it back upstairs!

Turnover is almost done! They still have more work, but not crazy amounts. We're looking forward to family time and maybe...maaaybe we can have some mom-and-dad time. It's been a looong time since we had a date!

He's been great at letting me have a break every now and then. Even if it's just to shower or cook. He's sacrificed sleep so I could sleep during turnover. I'm very blessed! Thanks for putting up with me, hun! I promise I'm working on how to handle sleep deprivation better ;-)

Maternity Leave & Other News

Extending my leave...

I officially decided to extend my leave from work. I'll go back after Christmas break...so after New Years. Well, it's not official on paper yet. I have to talk to HR. I want to make sure I at least have reasonable assurance that I'll have the same placement/assignment when I come back. I want to come back to Sycamore!

I have mixed emotions about it. I love my job & my coworkers. Yet I also feel like if we have the means for me to stay home longer, then really...I should. To use a cliche, I won't get this time back with Roan. I'm sure I'll get cabin fever. I'm sure there will be days where I wish I was at work (but maybe those will be the days Roan and I will drop in for a visit). I'm also sure that if I don't do this, I will look back one day and regret it.

I'm so blessed to have the job I do. Everyone has been so understanding. It's really indescribable how great it is to know that everyone supports me with this decision. Guaranteed I would not have had that at any of my previous jobs.

In other news...

Roan is such a momma's boy! Last night, I put him in the bassinet to sleep. Naturally, he wouldn't. He was kicking and fussy, so I picked him up and held him up to my chest...he instantly fell asleep. How could I put him down after that?! Then today, I was talking to him...he was looking right in my eyes and smiled at me! I mean a big smile! I started to cry! I knew he was going to be smiling soon.

I looked into getting tested for malignant hyperthermia. For those that don't know, I had eye surgery at 18 months old and on the way to the recovery room, I went into hyperthermia - they said it was from the anesthesia. Years later, my parents took me to a new doctor and he said it sounded really suspicious & they should get the record from the surgery so he could look at it. The hospital lost the record...hospitals don't just lose records. And the anesthesiologist from that surgery retired right after my surgery. So, basically, malignant hyperthermia usually happens soon after getting the anesthesia...but with me, it was after a 3 hour surgery, which is odd. So we're not sure if I have it or not, but it's very serious. If I have it & am given general anesthesia (instead of local), I could die. And if I don't have an ID bracelet for it and get into an accident or something & can't tell the ER staff about it, well...you get the point.

The problem is the testing for it costs $8k - $10k! And there are only about 5 testing centers and the closest one I think would be in Toronto. So testing is really not an option, so I'm just gonna live like I have it. I'm ordering an ID bracelet, too. I was bummed to see how expensive it is and that we'd have to travel sooo far for it. Before my c-section, the anesthesiologists were very, very adamant that I either be tested or get a bracelet and just operate under the assumption that I have MH. And actually, my possible MH is why my OB put my c-section before an emergency c-section she had scheduled.

Sean will be done with turns on the 24th. So far, this week hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be. But I'm still counting down the days!

Updates. So very awesomely blessed.

How Roan is Doing...

Roan absolutely loves to be carried this way. I spend countless hours pacing around the  house holding him like this. If his head is against my chest, he squirms and grunts (unless he's asleep)!

Roan is growing as always. I believe he's about 9lbs 10oz now...which, crazy to think, is how much his cousin Jay weighed at birth! My sister-in-law is friggin' superwoman for carrying that big of a baby around in her belly!

For a while, we thought Roan was getting colic-y. We were giving him gripe water for gas, but it wasn't helping that much. So, Sean went to two stores to get Mylicon gas drops but they were out. My mom looked online & said Target sells it...of course, not the one closest to us. So I went to the west side one & they were out, too! Thankfully, they weren't out of the Target brand, so I was able to get some. I think his fussy-ness was a combination of gas and a growth spurt. He still obviously has his fussy times...he is a baby after all. But I'm glad his absolutely inconsolable fussy period is over. Until the next one!

How Mom is Doing...

I love the Moby, but I ordered a ring sling that I'm excited about! Just need something that's a little faster to get him in and out of.

I am doing much better. I really went through a hard time there for a while. It's still not easy...basically being a single mom because of how much Sean has been working (and the worst is yet to come). But he had an unexpected short day & some time off. That really helps lift my spirits! Even if we do nothing but watch tv, it's just nice spending time together.

Also, I think I just had to accept the fact that this is my life right now. This is how things are. Not that they're all that terrible...I just had to stop expecting to get a full night's sleep or for Sean to come home at 4pm like most working dads. It also helps that I feel like I'm getting to know Roan more, getting to know his cries and what they mean. I don't feel as clueless as I did in the beginning.

I'm still getting help from a lactation consultant. She's on vacation for 2 weeks so her coworker is taking over for that time; she said she's really knowledgeable as she spends all her free time researching and reading articles on breastfeeding. She has a bit more of a medical background and may have different reasons for why I still feel pain when feeding him. I'm surprised and kinda proud of myself for sticking with this for 4 weeks now...especially since we went one whole week solely cup feeding him while waiting for a consultant to come see us! I wish I had video of that, but here's one (<-- link) I found online, though we did it a little differently. It's extremely messy and time consuming considering we'd fill up that little cup 6 times each feeding! Plus, I had to pump on top of that & clean everything. 

How Dad is Doing...

As I said before, he's still working a lot...though having this weekend & next weekend off has been and will be nice. The last turnover is just huge, though...about 600 apartments need to be done in a week apparently! So he's probably gonna be working from 7/8am to 10/11pm every day for like 10 days. I'm a little nervous about how that's gonna go...not just on my end, but for him. I mean, I know he can do it, it's just sooo much work and such long days. I'm so proud of him for working so hard to provide for our family!

Oy vey!!

Well, our house has been filled with the cries and screams of Roan Keane.

It's hard to pinpoint his fussy-ness. Is it the weather? Growth spurt? Gas? All of the above? I love him so much, but when he just won't stop crying after having tried every trick, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind! It helps to have a break to regroup...and Sean has been great about letting me have those breaks.

I know...and have to keep reminding myself...that Satan is trying really hard to get me to not enjoy this time of Roan's life. I have got to fight that. I don't want to look back on this time and regret not enjoying it more. Though it's hard to enjoy the moments when he's screaming, haha. I think those times I'm more in survival mode.

I get SO stir crazy being at home; staring at the same walls and watching so much tv. Sean's been on dad duty so I could relax and go to Target & Biggby. The whole time I wanted to be home with my boys - even though one is constantly crying. At the same time, I was driving home really slow, haha. It was weird to want to be home but also not want to be home.

As a new mom, I feel pressure to always have a smile on my face...to always respond with "Oh yeah! I'm GREAT! Roan is GREAT! Having a baby is GREAT!" Not that having a baby isn't great...it's just a challenge. A huge challenge, though an even bigger blessing. I've had so many mom friends tell me that it's perfectly ok to not feel that way all the time...and that no one is expecting that. Yet I still put that pressure on myself.

I really just need to learn to put my selfishness aside for Roan. Another area/way I have to die-to-self. I get so upset when Roan wakes me up from a nap...or during the night. As if I should expect any different, haha. I definitely respond that way because I'm groggy and still half-asleep...and I immediately feel bad and apologize to Roan. It's hard to correct that behavior/mindset. I mean, when I'm groggy or half-asleep I can be so irrational!

Well, my "break" is almost over and I feel like I should spend the rest of the time laying down and giving my back a break. Or eating something haha.

Learning, growing, changing...

How Roan is doing:

First time on his play mat :) I don't think he liked it, but that's ok. I don't think we'll be using it again till he's a couple weeks older.

Roan is doing well! He weighed in at 8lbs 13oz - so he gained back his birth weight plus some! I think he has still a little bit of jaundice. The whites of his eyes are a tad yellow and the doctor prescribed vitamin D drops. Other than that, he's picture perfect! He's been sleeping just fine in the Arms Reach Co-Sleeper, too. I was worried about that. Still, he falls asleep easiest on Sean or I's chest. Not that we mind :) It's the best feeling in the world! Though it usually makes me sleepy, too, and next thing I know I've dozed off. I'm really trying not to do that!! (see photo below)

Oh, his cord fell off today! Yeah it was really gross, but I'm glad it's gone, haha.

How mom is doing:

Ok, 1) Really bad photo of me :-/  2) I know it's not safe; I didn't mean to fall asleep...and I really try not to do it.

Becoming a mom is proving to be the most challenging thing ever. Largely because my hormones are on the fritz. I realized that even though Roan is my son, we have to get to know each other. I thought everything would be 100% natural, no problem. But I've found that's not necessarily the case...parenting and caring for such a teeny person that only knows to communicate via crying is hard. On top of recovering from surgery. AND missing my husband so stinkin' much cause he works such long days.

Emotionally, I have my good moments and my not-so-good moments. I could go on and on about everything I feel, but I won't. I've gotta kinda keep an eye on myself for postpartum depression, though.

Physically, I feel pretty close to normal. My feet and legs are still swollen, but nothing like before! I have no pain or discomfort around the incision, for now at least. Stairs are no longer an issue (yay!) which means I can carry Roan up and down them. I just can't WAIT to be able to drive! Even though this heat is insane, I'll probably spread out errands...Meijer one day...Sam's the next, etc.

How dad is doing:

I can't really speak for him & what he's feeling. But I can brag about him! 

Sean went back to work on Monday...just 3 short days home with his son, then back at it. Turnover started today which means he'll be working crazy long days. I so desperately wish we had time to be a family...to sit and stare at our son in awe. I know we will  be able to have those moments eventually...just not during turnover. 

Before Roan came along, Sean was admittedly a little scared and nervous around babies. He'd never changed a diaper in his life. But his fathering instincts kicked in immediately. It was just amazing watching him grow and automatically take on the role of "dad". And I have to say that made me fall in love with him deeper than I ever could have imagined!

As far as being a husband, that's another area where he has just been amazing. He's been so supportive. Whenever I've been an emotional basket case, he builds me up and assures me it's ok to be emotional. He helps me to come up with a game plan, which helps me to stay focused and not get lost in my emotions. I know this is the "babymoon" and it won't last forever, but I'm gonna soak it up while I can. And hopefully the things we're learning now about how to be a team will stick with us for the rest of our marriage.

So, that's how things are going right now with the Whites!

They Do Say Having A Baby Changes You...

Becoming a mom, I fear, has made me completely sappy. I had that a little during pregnancy, but now...oh man.

Exhibit A of My Increased Sappy-ness:

I discovered this song in the beginning of my 3rd trimester, I think. It's "Remember This" by Beth Champion Mason. I'm not gonna lie...it's a cheesy song. What can I say, though?! It describes my emotions 100%. Especially the "Lord keep him safe" part...wow does that ever take on new meaning considering Roan's birth story.

They placed you in my arms tonight
I can hardly believe that you are mine
Tiny fingers, tiny toes
A tiny life that's gonna grow
I've waited so many years for this day...I wanna make it stay 

(chorus)
I wanna remember this, I wanna remember this
Every smile, every kiss
Every moment's like a promise and I wanna remember this 

We brought our bundle home tonight
Half scared to death, but on cloud nine
As I rocked you in the dark
I could feel your tiny heart
I said a prayer as I kissed your sweet face
"Lord, keep him safe" 

Chorus 

Every season, every age will be beautiful in it's own way
From preschool through to prom, even your wedding day
And we'll celebrate and walk with you
Each step that your life brings
But there's something that's so sweet about beginnings 

Chorus
I wanna remember this, I wanna remember this
Every tear, every touch
I just can't believe I love you this much
I wanna remember, I wanna remember, I wanna remember this 

They placed you in my arms tonight